What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 04:50
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He resisted the act ,that day.
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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She wouldn,t have been !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Why did my ex-narcissist move so fast with his new supply marriage engagement moving in, etc.?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She married twice! .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why is going on a date today so much different than it was when I was young?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was 9 years of age.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She loved him until the end.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was very sick at this time too.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Who then, do I blame.?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So, i spoilt her more .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I could never make a relationship work though!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
What did i know ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
This is soul school!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was scared of men, in general
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So whats the point in blame.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He knew the spot.
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was seconnd youngest,
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
All the time i was locked up.
As i do to all so called friends.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Especially a lifetime of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But it wasn’t much.
I have no regrets .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
I said to her
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot live in the past .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im still living with it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My family never makes their pension either.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Comes on , in middle age.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i lived it daily.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It was going to be , some day.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I think the readers, may guess!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was in good health!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I write beautiful poetry .